I’m Elizabeth, the Virgin Queen
Don’t laugh!
On my title I stand firm,
Though it’s just a technical term.
My royal bed was only used by half!
I have never been a prude, or
I had not been born a Tudor.
A royal marriage is a mockery.
A husband’s just a piece of crockery!
There’s not much I haven’t seen.
But I’m still the Virgin Queen!

But even a queen has her moments,
And I see no reason to rue it.
A venial sin
Is no menial sin—
In fact, it’s quite a congenial sin,
If nobody sees you do it.
Behind my portal
I am mortal
And the court’ll still be blind.
Though there’s urge in
Me to burgeon,
I’m a virgin in my mind.
The rumors you heard about Shakespeare
Are vulgar as they are untrue.
I was his inspiration
To help out the nation,
And one must have a moment or two.

But even a queen has her moments
When regal wild oats need their sowing.
I’d be alone,
Drink my tea alone,
And make England queen of the sea alone,
For sailors are well worth knowing.
All my gallants
Had their talents—
They were balance for my nerves.
When my army
Failed to charm me
I would call out the reserves.
You think Mary Stuart was naughty,
The blonde with the big eyes of blue.
But no royal redhead
Was ever a deadhead,
And one must have a moment or two.

But even a queen has her moments,
Though duty is stern as a Tartar.
A tall he-man
And an all he-man
Was that handsome Sir Walter Raleigh man.
And what a knight—of the Garter!
When ‘twas floody
O’er the mud, he
Threw his mantle down for me!
In his shirt, he
Proved a flirt; he
Was more daring vis-à-vis.
They say he discovered tobacco,
And I made him smoke, it is true.
For my tresses so titian
Gave him the ignition,
And one must have a moment or two.
Yes, two.