This is the story of Hamlet,
William Shakespeare’s most notable play,
A magnificent dignified work of art.
But for you, buster,
I guess I oughta tell it this way:

Hamlet was the prince of a spot called Denmark.
There never was such a frantic guy
Either before or since.
(He was a dream boy.)
And like a hole in the head
Denmark needed that prince.

He bumped off his uncle
And he Mickey Finned his mother
And he drove his girl to suicide
And stabbed her big brother
‘Cause he didn’t want nobody else
But himself should live,
He was whatcha might call
Un-co-operative.

Hamlet had a lady friend named Ophelia.
She was a cool put-together chick
That made men thrill.
But Hamlet, he thought
She was from Uglyville.
[spoken] He didn’t seem to get the message.

He chopped down her father
Just to teach the girl a lesson.
Yes, he cut him up in slices
Like a pound of delicatessen.
‘Cause murder was one thing
Hamlet sure did enjoy.
Sure did enjoy.
He was what you might call
Quite the mischievous boy.

Ophelia, overcome with such grief and sorrow,
She went and flipped her lid,
She popped her cork,
She jumped the track.
And her intelligent mind
Developed a permanent crack.
[spoken] Things went black!

Ophelia had a six-and-a-half-foot brother
He thought that Hamlet had been
A trifle too impolite.
So in the third act
He challenged him to a fight.
What a night!
It was dog eat dog eat dog in Denmark.
Yes, it was dog eat dog eat dog in Denmark
The moral of my story is very plain—
You better get a muzzle if you’ve got a great Dane.
And the name of this omelette is Hamlet.